Guilt

So here begins a year of gut-wrenching guilt about leaving my family. How do I explain that we would never think to undertake this momentous upheavel of our family were we truly happy here. Sure, we have a beautiful farm and jobs. But at what price? After 16 more years of my job surely the stress will kill me. Many Cleveland teachers die or become cancer-riddled within three years of retirement. I watched Margaret die not three years after her last day. I want a better life. A slower one. With good, healthy food and clean mountain air. Not only for myself, but for my husband and my children. I want to feel the freedom of determining and designing my own life. Here, we are at the mercy of the government officials who tell me that I have to increase my years of teaching from 8 to 16. I thought I was on the downslide towards retirement, but now my time left has doubled. People say to just accept it. I don't think they know me when they say that. I have never been one to shy away from a challenge, an opportunity, an adventure. I pride myself on that which makes me, me! I am not afraid to take this leap. What makes me shake with fear is staying and living this life that is being determined for me by others. I just won't allow it. I can't.